I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
