i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love accidental penises.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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