did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
