I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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