mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
