I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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