and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
