I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
