Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
