I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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