So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
