dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
