I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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