I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
