Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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