I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
