true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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