sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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