i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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