i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's always time for handjobs
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
