why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
