I could make wine with my vomit
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
