the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
