...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
