Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
