DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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