Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
