I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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