Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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