OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
