I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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