How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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