i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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