At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
