You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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