I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
