My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
