hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
