I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
