yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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