My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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