genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
