My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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