I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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