Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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