we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We need to get me chipped asap
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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