she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
