If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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