oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
