My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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