I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Boobs speak an international language.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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