All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i believe in u and ur pee
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
