Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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