I swear she didn't look like that last week.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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