remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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