if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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