Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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