I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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